| aninatomy |
[17 Jun 2009|06:05pm] |
desert rat smacked
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| tears of the beast: blood basting plus |
[16 May 2009|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 flooding the sky |
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music |
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asiatic dream - Bernard Estardy |
] |
Gooblaboobs(my rabbit) died last past tuesday.
my mom found him on the front lawn of her nextover neighbor..
lying pretty much ripped in half with his intestines and stomach sprawled around him. all we couldnt find was his heart. i'm guessing a coyote got him. and let's just say my heart might as well had been eaten along with his, cause fuuuuuck D:
not for the quease-types--
(extra shitty quality because i reshot it from the original on mute.)
all you could initially hear were birds and me saying things like "christ" and "jesus" and "dammit Goobs" in a dumb whimpery voice.
too pitiful and distracting.
shit, i feel the need to say that Gooblaboobs was about my only friend(and i, his) for at least a year of our lives. the only contact i willingly and happily had with anyone for awhile was with Goobs.
what a sweet and loving creature he has been to me.
Cody came to visit for a week and we were staying in a guesthouse when that fucking happened. figures.
Cody decided he wants to try and move down here soon. figures.
i will refrain from saying anything about that though. it will just confuse me further.
recently i was falling asleep during the day and my mind was taking those first flighty flaps into the uncontrolled...and i imagined i was talking to someone very important
and we were standing in this kind of fogged and dark nothingness discussing something very important when behind them reared up this very looming, dark and glowering yet comforting form.
the form looked to me and said "yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is delayed".
i sat up immediately after that point and couldnt do anything but sit and think "what..........."
i'd like to figure out what the hell because i believe i was trying to let myself know something that distantly has to do with Cody and some other oddly important figures.
i've been making a lot of headway with my therapist on more important things.
i've also been doing some of the exercises in "prometheus rising" alongside my counseling sessions
and just committing a bit more to doing things i know are super good for me, like organizing the spaces i dwell into my liking, meditating, using colors, music, writing, dancing and all of those goodies.
one of my all-time favorite, most simple things to do is just listen to a really good song on loop while i sleep. then wait a while, listen to it consciously and note the difference in how i heard it before and after.
that and use it for meditation(especially if i've dreamt well by it).
if i can always do things like this very regularly i'll be in a much better state more consistently.
one thing though i've been way into lately is my job.
--lab coat
--blood sprays
--blood pools
--blood squirts
--anatomy lessons
--lab equipment
--paid phlebotomy training
--conversations with junkies every damn day
cant believe this, but i am finally getting used to the sound of my own voice. i dont get startled when i decide to speak anymore. part of this is my job and another part is my therapist helping me with my anxiety. i encounter too many fucking people everyday. i am getting to know vietnam vets, ranch hands, victoria's secret boob measuring girls, pole dancin girls, burnt-out transients, personal trainers....and those are just the donors. some donors like to bring me snacks and i've even gotten sack lunches and 4 books. people really love their plasma personnel. all i have to say is fuckin yea!
Dec.26, 2006 - May 5, 2009
♥♥
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| prismic skippn |
[06 Apr 2009|05:07pm] |
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mood |
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 clutches costly |
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music |
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sri mersing - Pimp Rubiah |
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why should i ever have to remind myself that it's okay for me to be happy?
i mean i'm obviously not the most horibbly forlorn person in the world.
but when i talk about my world at all, i realize the amazing things going on. why dont i feel like it's amazing?
why do i have to be so cautious and then ungrateful?
well, i've started to acknowledge to mostly myself the weight of the ridiculous childhood i lived.
it's not like tons of people havent been dragged to church for years and told they're going to hell for dyeing their hair purple or reading harry potter and listening to gg allin. and not that i'm the only kid who hid, crying in their room when their dad came home drunk or mom found out he was cheating on her(again) and the cyclic fighting would begin. and i always met some other kid who was kind of strange too at group/family counseling. but i think the levels of hypocrisy, the reasons why i had to go to family therapy as i child(it goes far past the drunk dad stuff), being made to accept and not talk about it(especially at church), etc. and just the extreme confusion i had to make sense of alone while everyone else in my family was saving face and waving their hands in a church band....it kind of got..to me.
i denied how it was fucking with me for years. i'd laugh at it. me and eve getting stoned and going to christian events....
in my reclusive episode(past 2-3 years) i barely barely saw it for what it was. i barely in the past few months talked to anyone but my sisters about it. my sisters have always been just as dumb about it as we were told to be. i'm pretty much counting on always being the only one who knows better than to thank jesus christ for keeping my parents together all of those years. is it strange that my parents tucked my sisters and me away in their room with the t.v. on a rolling-cart every friday night for a few hours while they had bible study? the sounds of clapping and speaking in tongues behind the sound of arsenio hall spitting through his big goofy teeth? isnt it? apparently not. all my life, not.
i cant refrain myself because of other people's ridiculous beliefs/standards/fuck ups.
i will be happy--i should really be able to appreciate the fluidity and crazy magic and adventure happening in my life. and the fact that some awesomely babely, intelligent and crazily imaginative man is doing whatever he can to be with me...it should be enough to make me feel like queen of all quasars or something, but instead i am crapping my pants every ten seconds. really?
i will indulge myself when the hell i want--creatively, spiritually, in my relationships with others and nature, as well as in how i spend my time and energy. i already can more than lots of people i encounter, but how stupid is comparing myself to anyone else? i know only my own potential and what i should be doing. i just cant feel weird or wrong about doin it when i want nooooo more.
i'm just finally going to therapy i think. i made an appointment myself. i'm finally ready to face the fan the shit hit.
wish me luck!
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| hosed-up nose dose |
[02 Apr 2009|12:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cruddly bears and tired |
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music |
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high above - Phortran |
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this is pretty retarded, but i feel it is necessary to do a ( 2008 wrap-up. )
sorry i missed my festive moment or whatever with that....
i skipped out on public writing for awhile just cuz i am uncomfortable with writing tooo much about/speaking for cody. and most of what was happening was revolving around him.
i still dont want to speak for him, but i know things with him just seem neverending. he has been relentless since we met and even after my fourth or so time leaving him, he now is talking about moving here.
i've had about the hardest time ever gulping down why he does these things when it comes to me(as this is not his approach with anything else), and the idea of depending on another person to make me happy in even the smallest ways...it's pretty much like giving me a molasses and rubber sandwich with a cement shake to wash it all down. foreignety.
i will never be able to tell him what to do or to just stay out of my life, so until i grow those balls and am given a definite reason to use them, i cant say when things will end.
all i can give a grief about is what i'm doing right now.
so what in the shitter am i doing?
i can barely say, i barely know where i am. a lot of change has occured through living nearly 24 hours a day with that boy from september-year's end. from moving 5 times in one year. from travelling like crazy. much other shit too, like hiding from the cops/wandering a ditch for hours after being in a drug-lord's house as it catches fire(cali); being followed by cops for walking home after drinking(nevada, of course); feeling married all the time; living in a crowded gypsy house, a 1950s hot dog vending truck, a tent, etc. x gazillioonn.
i guess i'm still catching up with it all and trying to still take cody as seriously as he takes me. if it is this important to him, i owe him that much.
he knows more about me and the fucking ghastly skeletons in my(family's) closet than anyone. he knows more about me in the present than anyone.
and when it comes down to it, i really appreciate the positivity and openness that infiltrates from him into my life when i'm not too busy being leery and "gettin away".
he is the only person who would do such drastic things to ensure he stays in my life. and i wont knock it...airy flake that i can be, it takes a lot of work to follow me as i float around.
other than that, i think i'm watching that questioning, over-analytical part of my life come to a close.
not that mental dissection of pretty much everything isnt a natural part of who i am...it's gotten me to a lot of conclusions and was very much needed at that point in my life. lots of very intelligent people can function pretty well doing that. but i'm just personally done with letting thought paralyze me. i'm done with giving a shit about all the idiots around me. that's a lot easier to do when i'm not living in san francisco, and i am more than grateful for that.
now, it's making more sense to just accept the smell of bubbling manure all around and be secure in the fact that i am on the other side of the farm with all the flower-pickers and prancing animals.
and though i have to work and pay bills and join in some of the drudgery, i like to think i know how to truly enrich/enjoy myself more than the masses. i'll do as much as i can with that little bit.
the less time i spend hesitating and being skeptical because of my busy brain in all its circular glory, the more comfortable i can feel with myself.
still would really like to get out of the u.s. if possible though.
speakin of work, i start working at the Plasma Donation Clinic friday. i have to wear scrubs and take blood samples and give out lunchables.
my head on a pair of scrubs? everything makes me older nowadazeeeee
new phone number also. again. so if you're achin for the digits for some reason, let a wench know.
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| i want nothing |
[14 Mar 2009|11:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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or otherwise |
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music |
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strange dream - The Witch |
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no one.
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| floored in a veil of vetch |
[11 Sep 2008|04:59pm] |
this ride i'm on is funny sometimes.
cody and i have been pining for eachother this whole past month and he finally told me "i'm coming to get you." couldnt take him very seriously because we quit our jobs around the same time and have just been bumming around ever since.
oh but
he got some manual labor/construction job and just made enough monies to buy a ticket here. and then buy 2 tickets back. so i'm letting him kidnap me..how can i say no?
once we get to california, we'll move on to utah, where we will work in the woods clipping weed for about a month.
wait wait-
cutting weed plants
smoking weed plants
living in a tent
" "woods
pressing hash to take home
getting paid for it
......what? YES
how can i say no?
once that's over, i dont know. i dont know where i'll want to live or whatever even. who cares right now?
cody is awesome. if i couldnt shack up with him before, then i am an idiot(duh) who sure can now. ready to live the muthafuckin' american dream.
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| moire-- |
[08 Sep 2008|10:21pm] |
  
(trying to let my junk hang out once in awhile)
feels so dang good to not know what's going to happen.
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[24 Aug 2008|05:45pm] |
favorite sketchees from the past year--
  
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| i need to see some friends soon |
[07 Aug 2008|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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fucked up and healthy |
] |
i am in tucson now. i cant stand to do anything but sit around in rainstorms missing
my first real boyfriend, to be honest.
i am such a dick and managed, somehow to keep sex and dating separate till him.
he was so persistant and came to me over and over being the same pure fucking angel and not wanting anything but my company.
being so soo disgusted with myself.
the whole time i knew him i came and disappeared over, over, over, and over.
i stuck the knife in and twisted. then ran away.
never date me.
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| swell blockin the bear |
[20 Jul 2008|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 backin to clackin |
] |
| [ |
music |
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cecom - Baba Zula |
] |
anywayy
a lot of people have been bitching about life
me too dude.
took a job at a daycare with a retarded schedule and "chronically fatigued" myself.
all i think about is sleeping.
quit my job and am sleeping a lot.
realized i love cody and told him....i am a girlfriend guys!!
but that doesnt matter, cuz i hate the city and am leaving it very soon
prob. going to tucson where i can be a bum and still have money to fix my computer.
then go somewhere else again.
where i will not be claustrophobic
where i will not develop into a half-paralytic bum who stops talking to myself only to say "spare change?"
i wont fight for space
i wont fight for time
i wont fight for my sanity
i wont fight for my health
i wont fight for food
i wont fight myself to accept it
i refuse to live this way with everyone here. i'm tired of working my ass off to survive...so i can work more the next day.
my body has aged so much since moving to san francisco. i have gotten sick more times than i can count. my body will not take it. cant say i blame her man!
i'm so stupid that i found reasons to hate cody just because i liked him. he was a threat to my freedom here and i couldnt stand that about him. i am an idiot and he still loves me this whole time. i am still an idiot because i'm leaving it all behind very soon.
i will lay in the sun till i am blinded or wake up crispy critterin' around
i will have room in my head for things that matter
i will dance
i will wear yellow
i will wear the clothes i make instead of a t-shirt
i will know when i have a crush
i will have time to do something about it
i will look up and see the sky
i will finally learn how to make tamales
i will go to mexico
i will paint my nails glitter
i will have a family
I WILL NOT FIGHT FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING
when i go into the city, it feels like a really bad "kegger" party...random puddles of urine, vomit, beer. everyone walking around super-stylized, trying real hard to look sexy or cool.
people literally carry props. like burners carry around their hulahoops or poi batons and rich girls carry small dogs in giant purses. all the stoners need EVERYONE to know they are higher than the heavens by walking around with a j in their mouth or wearing LEGALIZE shirts with the simspsons smoking a bong on their couch.
i've ignored my instinct to leave for too long and am seeing where it's gotten me. no bueno.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm done with it. instead of bitching, i am working to change my situation. cuz what else do you do?
also, i'm pretty sure i'm some kinda witch. i did an actual santerian ritual a couple months ago and it worked a little too well. i freaked out at myself, went back to the old witch woman and her son and had to be in a cleansing ritual and got chicken blood and honey all over my new tights and dress. then had to ride the subway and bus home all a wreck. santeria is very beautiful, but powerful and scary as shit!
so you know, i'm kind of backing away again. dear god.
 
 
dear jesus,
i am not touching that shit again for awhile. might just stick with..you know, kinda doing whatever i want since that worked so well before and all. sorry to disappoint you again.
your child of lightness or whatever,
rochelle
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[10 Jun 2008|12:41pm] |
got a bongload of cash from the government
spent it all on not fixing my computer.
being out of a screen has felt a little too good
but it will feel even better to download a jillion new albums per day again.
i'll get it fixed and update again soonerz.
too much else to say for a library entry, so latta blotta
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[25 Mar 2008|12:50pm] |
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i broke my computer
my computer is broked D:
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| i's cries for open skies |
[18 Feb 2008|08:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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get me outta here |
] |
| [ |
music |
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resurrection - Demons of Negativity |
] |
all because of work...
-door slammed hand
-trail of blood
-lay on the floor crying
-ER FORE FOUR FUCKING HOURS
-oprah+cattle abuse on waiting room tv(more crying)
-FRACTURED FUCKING FINGER
=ALBINO FUCKING FERRET
all because, all i can think about is the desert.
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[17 Feb 2008|10:26pm] |
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damn dude....still wipin cobwebs from my eyes.
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| dead savage in the wonder years' lift |
[04 Feb 2008|12:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 the non-cali clarity |
] |
| [ |
music |
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colorless fog that one day soon - Thinking Plague |
] |
i've been back here like a week and a half and i feel like i've snapped out of some trance
i'm totally awake now and looking at all the strange positions i've put myself in.
i am this weird grownup-ish person with a lot of cool new music and clothes and stuff that i hardly remember getting, to be honest.
i mean of course i was aware of it happening when it did, but i'm out of the tunnel now.
i can look back at all the fucking transition i've had to endure for the past few years and see it how it is and how it's been good and how its just been fucking horrible.
the past year especially i was starting to worry about myself and my sanity. i couldnt even explain to anyone the things that have been thrown at me....granted i've always had a way of attracting odd people/situations, but 2007 was getting kind of ridiculous.
i spent A LOT LOT LOT LOT of time alone....a lot. of course that made it worse, but there was no way to talk to people about the things happening either.
it was so mentally exhausting and i hated it, because i wasnt sure how real all of it was, if at all.
but now that whole feeling is over
and if it is real to me or anyone else, then it is fucking real.
i still havent quite worked out all the mysteries and ideas that have been plaguing me, but i dont feel exhausted or helpless anymore or like i'll go completely out of my mind should i care to pursue them(and, of course i will).
anyway vacation in maryland was the most sweet shit ever!
the reason it was so awesome is because it was just like everytime i would go during the summer when i was young...i didnt go on a rollercoaster or anything exciting, but
--my dad told me not to bring any money(like i could have anyway)
--went shopping like a thrillion times
--got handed $20's like a thrillion times
--was holding a martini like 80% of the time
they even threw a party for me and we all got really wasted and everyone made fun of my hair and we ate.
i was expecting them to treat me like "an adult", but it was just the same as when i was younger and got spoiled up the ass.
my dad even took me grocery shopping so i'd have my favorite things to eat.
i forgot how materialistic my dad's family is. every house i went to had a GIANT T.V. covering some wall or other
my favorite days were when i was staying in my grandma's basement(right by the bar, hey hey) and my routine was:
- wake up,
- go outside(smoke some)
- throw snowballs at pop pop's shed doors for a couple hours
- go inside and put on a brand new dress
- dance around with a cosmo to some space age jazz
when i stayed with my dad and his girlfriend, it was a bit weirder.
but nice, because i wasnt always drunk and their house was EXACTLY like the one i lived in while i was in maryland....complete with the forest backyard.
you can bet i got lost back there every night amazing!!
that whole trip was all exactly what i needed...i totally forgot anyone gave a shit about me and verse/visa
i forgot that i have a really really good family that i can actually enjoy
i hadnt seen my dad in almost 3 years that sssucks
anyway i feel way better after that trip, of course...and ive got the new shoes to prove it!
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| .calm |
[12 Jan 2008|04:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gmas & cousins & dads, oh my! |
] |
i am on holiday in maryland and excited as fuck!!
so excited i have to do this!(sorry).
i am also sad cuz i think i might be wiccan D:
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| 10 things i hate about choose-- |
[28 Dec 2007|10:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sword shrapnel/battlebutts |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stuiterboz - Nynack |
] |
i called in to work.
yesterday too..i spent the whole day puking, sleeping, and smoking weed in the closet.
today will probably be similar except there is a party tonight that i am determined to go to.
by the end of it, i'm sure i will be puking and smoking weed and
sleeping anyway.
i've been trying to hang out with people
when anyone asks if i want to do something, i just say yes if i can.
and try not to think of all the better things i could be doing if i just went home or stayed alone.
i'm trying to find reasons to keep living here
it's worked, i've met some cool people...
i really like this chick titania(titties) that i've hung out with a couple times.
she's like 6 feet fucking tall and makes orchestras with her mouth and only likes secret chiefs 3 cuz she has a boyfriend who's in it.
the first time we met was this house party and we ended up eating like 80 jello shots together
and making up a language with some boys on the roof.
last time at another house party we sat alone in the corner smoking weed
and another girl came and fed us mousse and cream puffs while we drank cheap sangria.
we were kissing on the couch though at some point, and she kept opening her mouth
thanks to cody, i'm good at ignoring that kind of stuff.
i hope she doesnt hit on me everytime we're drunk.
either way, she's pretty fucking fun.
to make things fair:
REASONS WHY I COULD STAY HERE FOREVER--
-all things weed related, duh.
its more abundant here, cops dont bother you about it here, cheaper here, easy access here, etc.
i have gotten high with the best people... countless security guards, a gay cop, my gay uncle, whoever he's dating at the moment, a gimp-legged priest named River...this is just the tip of it too.
there is nothing i love doing with people more than smoking weed!!!!
you could never offer a hit to someone in san francisco and be denied. i hate when i meet someone very chill and find out they dont smoke weed or are like scared of it or something. that is 1 very good way to repel me if anything.
-no one gives a fuck. people wear and do whatever in shit they want and i love it. there is that sense of anonymity in cities. i havent had to really supress any spontaneous things. people still look at you like you're crazy, but the whole town wont be talking about how you yelled profanities at a store owner while stuffing a flower between your boobs the next day. i guess nothing's really a big deal, which is perfect.
i will never be the pagan source of my pure-hearted family's shame again!
----walk to everything, ssshit
-there is an advantage to guys being gross perverts...like i've gotten so many things for free, i never have to stand on the bus if it's crowded and of course now i dont feel as much like some weird-looking immature jerk. sometimesss it's just better to know what people are thinking about you(even if it is completely disgusting).
-treasure island. i fucking love coming home more than i ever have.
i love my fort and the little baby roof outside of my window. i love the view from my room and having no furniture except a loft bed and bookcase. i love sitting on the floor all day and i love my big closet and my bathroom.
geesegeesegeesegeese.
it smells really good here.
i love all the empty rotting buildings and all the sailboats and barges and all the things no one has touched or even thought of in decades.
i'm giving my ideas time of course
waiting for possible change to reinforce my good feelings for things here
and all that.
wednesday was Gooblaboobs' 1st bday!!
i made apple/carrot/swiss chard/weed salad and we ate by candlelight in the fort
(i am an old lady)
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| those shapeshifting ponds vs utterly lane |
[10 Dec 2007|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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portray DHD, puff |
] |
| [ |
music |
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headless horseman - The Microphones |
] |
i could leave now because--
--MAN--
the guys here suck. so many of them look the same and are the same when you talk to them and are bike messengers and shit..i've had like maybe 1-2 solid crushes here that lasted more than a day.
--GOALERS--
everyone is here with a specific purpose. they are all committed to something and here i am just wandering around all lazy-eyed like always. taking things and people one at a time.
i dont care if i never get a career. i dont get dressed in the morning thinking about what will get me laid at a bar after work. i am not socially ambitious or anything ambitious...that's crazy.
this is also why maggie and i dont hang out very much...she came here to be a certain way and meet certain people and i came here for myself...to get away from that
--PERVERT + SCRATCHY--
oh and the fact that i cant so much as smile within a 10-mile radius of any dude without him thinking it means i wanna stick my hand in his pants and yank on his junk? fucking annoying as shit! i seriously have to stop smiling, avoid eye contact, stop dancing, etc etc. when i see a guy looking at me most of the time.
no i will not take my headphones off at my favorite part of a song so you can tell me you like my hair and ask me out or something stupid. do you think i really fucking care what i look like to your dumb haggard ass??? fuck. offfff.
for a while i was doing this thing where i blow a kiss that evolves into me just flipping the dude off...but i cant even laugh or make it fun like that any more. it's not like i'm even attractive. i am maybe "cute" at best. "retarded" definitely.
--DICK DEALING--
putting myself in the anti-horny-guys-bubble is turning me into an asshole. i am also getting used to seeing extremely fucked up shit everyday. i'm talking like ladies making crack in front of the corner store, trannies taking off their wigs to comb them(wigs totally gross me out more than anything btw), retard fistfights, etc.
see: friday night me and some girls were drunk at the bus stop and this car pulled up to the curb and this angry(also drunk) girl gets out of the driver's seat, goes around to the passenger side and opens the door. this wastedddd girl falls out, puking everywhere and driver-girl starts nailing her. like just beating the shit out of her while she is vomiting uncontrollably. of course you turn your head and act like none of it's happening.
shit like this everyday is kind of cool, but it's turning me into just another fanged city fuck, ew.
--I NEED A WATCH--
the pace here is crazy fast. i'm from arizona dude. do you know how slow everything is there? if you say you're gonna be somewhere at 2, that means 2:45, earliest. just a given. my time here feels like this crazy munchermonster is just eating away at it. like "hey i'm gonna eat about 4 hours of your day for dinner okay? okay." how can time be so fucking cramped and condensed in certain places??? this is probably what bothers me most.
--I NEED WALLET--
i still eat like shit now that i have a job. on paydays i let myself get take out somewhere, but i might as well not be working for all the good it does me. the only difference is i can buy drugs and pot now. big deal. i cant even afford new shoes from goodwill. everyone has 2 jobs and are these slaving city hookers, i aint ever doing that shit so fuck you!
--fall here is weeeak
ghargharagephant
these arent things i'm learning to adjust to or whatever, i dont ever want to adjust. i want to always be aimless and taking my time. those things have gotten me very far and shit if i'm gonna stop now.
i think i'm just bored of everything at the moment and also my non-committal clock is screaming at me to get the fuck out.
....i hope that's all it is. and i'm hoping to get caught up with something so i dont leave.
i told cody i will go with him to his work's christmas party.
i have a really good reason though...he works at the wax museum!
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